Monday, 11 April 2011

1:31 am: through the storms and through the fire, you've kept me o lord, you've kept me:)

Whoaaaa

It's been soo long since I last blogged. I don't really know where to even start.. so don't get me started...

Holidays? I don't even consider myself enjoying it.

Okay that's beside the point though, but nonetheless it's still holidays right??

Nov 2010, Dec, Jan 2011, Feb, March, it just flew. It literally just did. :( school starts on 18 April. Well, mixed emotions. One part of me keeps telling me that it's the start of another secondary school term and nothing's gonna change. Same old classmates. After classmates for 3 years. Change is uncomfortable. The other part of me is looking forward to that whole new world out there, the new classmates i'm gonna meet, the next 3 years of getting to know people from all walks of life; diverse backgrounds.

Perhaps i'm feeling this way thanks to the things that happened in march. The usual, friendship problems with a classmate. I don't know why is life just so hard. I mean like, what did I do to deserve this? Where could it have gone wrong? or what rather.. I just don't understand. I'm like scrutinising this whole situation now and I don't really know what to do. thinking, thinking, thinking, reflecting, it's driving me nuts. And I don't wanna think about it anymore, I don't wanna care. Yeah, that was march for me. Well, I think things took a turn at the end of march and everything's fine and okay now. But somehow my guardfeel now shows signs of things screwing up again. Or it's just the awkwardnes? Or it's satan putting negative and imaginative negative thoughts into my mind, making me feel this way. It's weird, and uncomprehenable. I hate my guard feel. Makes me feel uncertain at times.

Sometimes I just wished there was some form of sugery to like make me forget all the bad memories and yeah, start over. So many things to really think about forgetting, so many things i would contemplate about.. I don't want to fill my mind with stuff like that. Really makes me feel like I'm a unhappy person. But I believe this is part of the learning curve and it's times like that that makes us even stronger and even more receptive to such tragedies, and overcome this hurdle with a leap of faith! But I must say, I've found God during this period of sorrow. I started praying more often, asking God what is his will in my life, I started to see God work miracles in my life, I started to see him turn things around, I started to see him change the attitudes of the people around me, I just started to see him work in my life (well he's been doing so all along, I believe, just that I didn't see it!), I was really touched by his neverending grace, when I saw all the things he has given to me, really made me appreciate things at a whole new level. Level the playing field? haha.

Though, there are downsides, I realise I've became much more of a quiet person. I don't open up as easily as before, I no longer trust that easily, I've become much more of an introvert, I've learnt patience, I've learnt how to endure with hardships, I've learn how to subdue negativity with positivity, I've learnt how to endure with heartache etc and blah blah blah... I've seen myself grow to become much of a stronger person, and also to really analyse things in a different perspective; to really think about how the other person would feel and not always starting with myself first, and yeah, really many many things, that had seen me through this few months, especially march. Must say this has been the longest holiday I've ever had in my life, and a time to really allow me to transit into my next phrase/chapter of my life. Really just wanna go out there and be the person God wants me to be:)